Is English easy?
Another email forward — I’d love to know who wrote this!
You think English is easy?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8.) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t
invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while
a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to
marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in
a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by
going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is
not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they
are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings
than any other two-letter word and that is ’UP.’
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the
sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the
morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an
appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP
at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look
the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of
the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of
the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give
UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so……..it is time to shut UP!
Is proofreading dead? You decide.
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
—————————————————————————- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far! ———————————————————–
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
————————————————————— Miners Refuse to Work after Death
good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so’s!
—————————————————— Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
———————————————————- War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
—————————————————————- If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
———————————————————————– Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
—————————————————————- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
———————————————————————— Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
———————————————————- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————– Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
—————- ——————————— Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
*************************************************** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
******************************************* And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Mistakes caught on camera
Every day, we are forced to see typos and mistakes in print. Some of these are simply typos. Others are grammatical mistakes, and the person who printed it probably doesn’t know it’s a mistake. Sad, but true. As I come across these mistakes, I plan on posting them here. I figure it’s better for some people to know that these really are mistakes, and that you can’t always take something to be correct just because it’s in print.
The first picture was taken at one of my favourite pubs. It’s a common mistake of thinking that anything plural needs an apostrophe. You’ll notice this most often in CD’s, TV’s, etc.
The second is actually a letter from my landlord, letting me know that someone would be coming by to check my A/C unit. That is, to check “you’re” A/C unit. Helpful? Yes. Grammatically correct? No.
If you have any pictures of funny mistakes like these, please send them over!
Commonly confused words
As an editor, one of my biggest pet peeves is misusing commonly confused words. Granted, they’re often simple mistakes, but it only takes a minute to learn the differences and find the right word for you.
Below, you’ll find a table with some of the most commonly confused words and their definitions. Below that you’ll find probably the most commonly confused words, and some explanations that will hopefully help you get them figured out.
This post will lead me to many more, I’m sure — on restrictive clauses, for example. Stay tuned!
I left one out of the table specifically, because it is my biggest commonly confused word pet peeve. Your means belonging to you; you’re is a contraction of “you are.” These words are not interchangeable!
| Word 1 | Meaning | Word 2 | Meaning |
| accept | to agree to receive or do | except | not including |
| adverse | unfavourable, harmful | averse | strongly disliking; opposed |
| advice | recommendations about what to do | advise | to recommend something |
| affect | to change or make a difference to | effect | a result; to bring about a result |
| aisle | a passage between rows of seats | isle | an island |
| all ready | prepared | already | by this time |
| all together | all in one place, all at once | altogether | completely; on the whole |
| a lot | many | alot | not a proper word |
| allusion | an indirect reference | illusion | a false perception of reality |
| along | moving or extending horizontally on | a long | referring to something of great length |
| aloud | out loud | allowed | permitted |
| altar | a sacred table in a church | alter | to change |
| amoral | not concerned with right or wrong | immoral | not following accepted moral standards |
| appraise | to assess | apprise | to inform |
| assent | agreement, approval | ascent | the action of rising or climbing up |
| aural | relating to the ears or hearing | oral | relating to the mouth; spoken |
| bare | naked; to uncover | bear | to carry; to put up with |
| berth | a bunk in a ship, train, etc. | birth | the emergence of a baby from the womb |
| born | having started life | borne | carried |
| breath | an inhalation or exhalation of air | breathe | to inhale or exhale |
| canvas | a type of strong cloth | canvass | to seek people’s votes |
| censure | to criticize strongly | censor | to ban parts of a book or film; a person who does this |
| climactic | forming a climax | climatic | relating to climate |
| coarse | rough | course | a direction; a school subject; part of a meal |
| complacent | smug and self-satisfied | complaisant | willing to please |
| complement | to add to so as to improve; an addition that improves something | compliment | to praise or express approval; an admiring remark |
| council | a group of people who manage or advise | counsel | advice; to advise |
| cue | a signal for action; a wooden rod | queue | a line of people or vehicles |
| defuse | to make a situation less tense | diffuse | to spread over a wide area |
| desert | a waterless, empty area; to abandon someone | dessert | the sweet course of a meal |
| discreet | careful not to attract attention | discrete | separate and distinct |
| disinterested | Impartial | uninterested | not interested |
| draught | a current of air | draft | a first version of a piece of writing |
| dual | having two parts | duel | a fight or contest between two people |
| elicit | to draw out a reply or reaction | illicit | not allowed by law or rules |
| eminent | famous or respected | imminent | ready to take place |
| ensure | to make certain that something will happen | insure | to provide compensation if a person dies or property is damaged |
| envelop | to cover or surround | envelope | a paper container for a letter |
| exercise | physical activity; to do physical activity | exorcise | to drive out an evil spirit |
| farther | at or to a greater physical distance | further | at or to a greater metaphorical or figurative distance |
| flaunt | to display ostentatiously | flout | to disregard a rule |
| forbear | to refrain | forebear | an ancestor |
| foreword | an introduction to a book | forward | onwards, ahead |
| hoard | a store | horde | a large crowd of people |
| imply | to suggest indirectly | infer | to draw a conclusion |
| its | of or belonging to it | it’s | contraction for “it is”; never to be used as the possessive form |
| lead | v. to guide followers; n. a type of metal | led | past tense of the verb“lead” |
| loath | reluctant, unwilling | loathe | to hate |
| loose | to unfasten; to set free; to be less tight | lose | to be deprived of; to be unable to find |
| palate | the roof of the mouth | palette | a board for mixing colours |
| pedal | a foot-operated lever | peddle | to sell goods |
| pour | to flow or cause to flow | pore | a tiny opening; to study something closely |
| practice | the use of an idea or method; the work or business of a doctor, dentist, etc. | practise | to do something repeatedly to gain skill; to do something regularly |
| precede | to come before | proceed | to go forward |
| prescribe | to authorize use of medicine; to order authoritatively | proscribe | to officially forbid something |
| principal | most important; the head of a school | principle | a fundamental rule or belief |
| quote | v. to cite | quotation | n. the act of citing |
| rein | n. straps fastened to a horse’s bridle; v. to guide a horse using the reins |
reign | n. the period of time one occupies the throne or dominating power; v. to rule or possess supreme power |
| sight | the ability to see | site | a location |
| stationary | not moving | stationery | writing materials |
| storey | a level of a building | story | a tale or account |
| than | use with comparisons | then | at that time, or next |
| to | toward | too | also, or excessively |
| tortuous | full of twists; complex | torturous | full of pain or suffering |
| wreath | a ring-shaped arrangement of flowers etc. |
wreathe | to surround or encircle |
While the table above gives a very comprehensive list of confused words, I’ve left a few out as I feel they might need more explanation.
First, the lovely trio of their, there, and they’re.
Their – the possessive for “they”
There – an indication of location
They’re — a contraction for “they are”
“Their” versus “they’re” are the more commonly confused. Just try expanding “they’re” to “they are” and see if it still fits the sentence.
Second, another trio — who, which, and that.
Who – is a pronoun that refers to a person or persons
Which – is a pronoun, which is not to be used to refer to people, that refers to a singular or plural thing(s)
That – is a pronoun and adjective (plural those), adverb and conjunction; it is used to refer to things or a group or class of people
The major confusion often comes with “which” and “that.” When using one of these words to add information to a sentence, different grammar is used. For example:
1. The girl walked up to the house, which was at the end of the block, and she was scared.
2. The girl walked up to the house that made a howling noise as she approached and she was scared.
The idea here is that using “which” makes the addition a non-restrictive clause, meaning it adds information, but isn’t information that is necessarily important to the fact that she is walking up to a haunted house. However, using “that” makes the rest of the information a restrictive clause, which means that the information is important to the rest of the sentence. Without it, we would not know why she was scared.
Traditionally, “which” is only used for non-restrictive clauses and “that” is only used for restrictive clauses. Non-restrictive clauses require commas to separate them from the rest of the sentence.
More on restrictive and non-restrictive clauses will come in future posts.
Third, who versus whom.
This can be a tricky one, and is often confused.
Who – is a subject or a subject complement
Whom – is used as an object
Therefore:
1. She is the woman who will find the right candidate.
2. Whom did Jim choose as his assistant?
Fourth, comprise versus compose.
As I edit a lot of financial documents, I see this mistake over and over again. It may seem confusing, but there is a really simple way to find out which word you want to use.
Comprise – to include or contain; to consist of; be composed of; to form or constitute; a group of things comprise the whole
Compose – to make or form by combining things, parts, or elements; to be or constitute a part or element of; to make up or form the basis of; individual things combine to compose a group of things
Now, the main problem often occurs when putting one of these words in a sentence. You never want to say something is “comprised of” something else. Only use “of” when using “compose,” as in “My dining room is composed of a table, chairs, lights, and some pictures.” Conversely: “A table, chairs, lights, and some pictures comprise my dining room.”
So, my simple trick is this: “compose” has an “o” in it — so does “of” — so keep them together. “Comprise,” while it does have an “o”, has no “o” after the “comp” and doesn’t need the “of.”
Finally, a second look at its versus it’s.
This is basically one of the worst mistakes I see on an everyday basis, and it’s one of the simplest to figure out.
The problem occurs when you assume that “it,” when being used as a possessive, needs an apostrophe. I can’t stress this enough — it’s not the case!! “Its” is fine in the possessive form. The ONLY time to add an apostrophe to “its” is when you’re using it as a contraction for “it is.” So whenever you’re temped to write “it’s” — stop, and think about what would happen to your sentence if you expanded it to “it is.” If it doesn’t fit, you’re using the wrong version. Simple!
When a small mistake can cost you your reputation.
Some people wonder why they should hire an editor. Maybe they’re writing a blog and they think they don’t need to invest in one. Maybe they just think they can handle it on their own.
But sometimes it’s not about catching a spelling or grammar mistake. Sometimes it’s catching a missing letter. And sometimes that missing letter can cause big problems.
Check out this story about a blogger that left out one measly little letter… only to find her mistake going viral in less than five minutes.
Seriously people, an editor is not a luxury — it’s a necessity.
To serial comma or not to serial comma?
There is no topic debated as often or with such passion among editors than that of the serial comma. Some praise its ability to clarify a sentence while others detest the way it clutters up a list.
The controversial punctuation mark precedes the conjunction that precedes the last item in a list of three or more items.
Some argue that the serial comma (or Oxford comma, as it’s sometimes called) removes ambiguity in a sentence, while others argue that it can add ambiguity.
Take this example, often cited by proponents of the serial comma:
A book dedication – To my parents, Ayn Rand and God.
Without the serial comma, we could infer that the author’s parents are Ayn Rand and God.
A serial comma removes this ambiguity: To my parents, Ayn Rand, and God.
However, take the following example, where the serial comma actually creates confusion:
I went on vacation with George, an officer, and a gentleman.
Did I go on vacation with two people or three people? Is George an officer who went with me on vacation with a gentleman?
Consider what happens if we remove the serial comma:
I went on vacation with George, an officer and a gentleman.
Now, did I go on vacation with one or three people? Is George an officer and a gentleman, or are they three distinct people?
In this case, there isn’t really a right answer; both are ambiguous. The best way to remove all ambiguity is to rewrite the sentence:
I went on vacation with George, with an officer, and with a gentleman.
While this version sounds a little awkward, the ambiguity is removed.
I prefer the serial comma in most cases and only leave it out when it creates this kind of ambiguity.
What’s your opinion?